With tired soles I slept last night. I fell asleep pondering the situation in Israel, while trying to push away a bit of myself... smooth over the healing. I woke to up and prepared for my journey to Anna's and Yaffo. Also packing additional for my potential trip to Eilat. Spent the afternoon with Anna. Talking and collecting my mismatched pieces of myself. Recollecting moments and time until I think I spun into tangles.
We walked to an Arab cemetery that I was long forgotten, except by squatters and a black cat that followed me as I wove in and out between risen cripts. Some dismanteled and devasted. Clearly not a Jewish cemetary... A few headstones in Arabic were signs that someone was protecting the lost. I thought about death and how after your body turns cold it doesn't matter so much how you rest. Lucky to still have blood running through my veins and lucky to not be forgotten.
The sun set several hours ago, which for all importance in Israel signifies the transition to shabat. Possibly my least favorite day. Maybe it's because I'm not Jewish or I don't have family here... or I just never really felt the need to have a day of rest revolving around parents, siblings, significant others. Some days it's just too much. Israelis and marriage... the fear of being alone and being unwanted. I try to chase that fear out of me. I don't believe in rules on love. If I did I would be circling the pass and plowing into maddness.
Days with friends are always a seed for strength. People mention this possiblitity of "together again" and it rattles my brain. It doesn't see likely. I don't fall asleep wishing for it, although some part of me probably does. I fall asleep wishing to not wake up with it. I go through each day here counting down, but worrying about the room. The big empty room. The rats I need to take care of. The things I have to face... the places I have to go and miles to cross to get where I'm going and back again.
The weekend with Anna and Yaffo will be nice. It doesn't help to remember the world is so wrapped up in men or boys. It does help to know everyone else is just as wrapped up in it.
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