Katrien left me the key to the apartment, which allowed me to gather myself a bit before I left. I think I have been afraid to listen to music. For whatever reason...so today I started singing to myself. It was something I did when I was sad or lonely, but haven't in a long time. Definitely interesting to hear what I mind and our hearts spout out, especially the broken ones.
I decided today would be beach day, since I had not been to the water yet and people seem to find peace and calm from the sea. After walking to the bus station and finding the number 5 bus to take me to the city center, I walked a few short blocks to the sea. There were a lot of memories of my time here before scattered on sidewalks, street signs, kiosks, even the sand and the rocks had ghosts. I sat in the sand and wrote for a while. I tried to draw, but my mind doesn't feel as free and everything comes out all wrong. Maybe my heart isn't in it?
I walked along the beach for a while with hopes of seeing the sunset on the water. Instead I ran into a man named Ernesto. Somehow I knew he was going to stop and talk to me. He spoke English and said he was from Spain and lived in Israel for 45 years. He reminded me of my coffee shop dwelling older friend, Willy from the states. He had intense expansive blue eyes. They almost captured you. He sort of was like an empty vessel. Very hard to read and lonely. I was happy to have someone to talk to and have a cigarette with. He played guitar and asked me to come to the desert (Ein Gedi) with him. Of course, considering everything... I had no desire to go. I could half imagine what it would have been like. Mail order brides? No, no, but he was a little bit crazy. He admitted it, though. We had coffee together. He sang a song. It sounds odd, but it was okay. Nice to not be alone for a few hours and have someone to talk to, even if they couldn't stop asking my age and took about an hour to learn my name.
Once it got dark, I decided it was probably best to come home. I had the apartment key and with the sun setting so early I could not tell what time it was. There is always a long walk ahead of me after leaving the city center. The beach is quite a distance. I walked for a few blocks and in stead of checking my map I took the long way home on Dizengoff. Somewhere on Dizengoff my blister burst. I thought about the story of the boy dying after his blister popped. For a second I imagined dropping to my knees in the street and then hitting the curb dead. Taxis would still be honking. People would step over my body to get to the shops or where ever they might be going. But it just burst. I felt the liquid in my shoe and the flap of skin squeezing, oozing into the earth and kept walking.
Tomorrow I am taking the train to Hafia for the day. I need a new city to roam around. I'm still a bit anxious when traveling by myself, but I think each day is making me a bit stronger. No matter the terrible heartbreaking things I am hearing about my relationship all the way from the States and even here in Israel, I am doing my best to stay a float. I know that is what I have to do. Even if our hearts wander... I need to make peace with the emptiness. Slowly I am and realizing it is not worth fighting or masking or drugging. Just expose it and let it breathe and keep the sand out of the fleshy mess.
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